Sex after divorce can be a difficult story: both with your ex-husband (well, what, so much has been through together!), and with a new partner. Psychologists talk about how to make it easy and enjoyable for everyone.
Mastered the territory.
In sex with your ex, there is nothing wrong. After all, you know well enough about each other’s sexual preferences not to write this story all over again. So, you can easily skip the stage of lapping in bed. Or devote yourself to experiments that did not come to the time in the marriage.
In this case, the thought may creep in: “But do not go back? We’re so good together now!” Well, it happens. After living apart, the spouses get back together and have a second wedding. But this is not very often, and the ending of these stories is not so rosy. In addition, you can live separately and without the dissolution of the marriage. After all, you decided to get a divorce for a reason, right?
So sex on familiar territory is not a bad thing. The main thing is to follow five useful recommendations.
1. Sex and love are different things
Don’t confuse the two concepts of sex and love. You and your ex are just satisfying your physiological needs, nothing more. Men make a very clear distinction between such relationships, separating them from a prospective relationship with one woman. But for women, sex is one of the components of high feelings. That’s why ladies are so often mistaken about the motivations of previous partners, especially ex-husbands. They are just comfortable to relieve stress in bed, moreover, with a woman about whom they know everything. You can easily bring her to the peak of pleasure and consider yourself a sexual giant.
2. Personal space is your everything.
Protect your personal space. Ex-spouse does not need to know what’s going on in your job, how you spend your evenings with friends and without, what drugs you take, with whom you go on a date. You broke up with the man, so the details of his life, save for the really close people. The only exception to this rule is shared children. However, during meetings for sex it is better not to raise such questions. That said, and you do not need to ask the man now-already-alien about his personal life. Do not pry into his space, do not show curiosity. And what good will that information do? Only cause an attack of jealousy.
3. honesty is important.
In any relationship, even for sex, there must be a place for honesty. So, before you enter into a non-embarrassing relationship with your ex, dot all the boxes.
Discuss what the relationship is for for both of you, what you expect from it, how the meetings will go. This will save nerves in the future and keep you from having any illusions.
And, of course, this level of communication will allow you to honestly announce the cessation of meetings, if a new partner looms on the horizon.
4. Old love gets rusty.
That is, have no illusions about your relationship with your ex. Nothing will revive, nothing will start over, nothing will move to the next level. Your marriage is already broken up, and you can’t get your man back just by having sex. Reread the advice from the first point again and separate sex from love. Sure, Hollywood movies show that there is such a divorce-marriage habit. But it’s usually a work of fiction. Very few couples have a happy ending. That’s why you shouldn’t try to tie a broken knot together.
5. Abuse: no!
If you feel psychological pressure from your ex, or he began to dissolve his hands, trying to get revenge in this way, stop it immediately. Instantly. Manipulation of sex, blackmail, devaluation, and physical force are not the norm, even for a “for health” relationship. Respect yourself and walk away from the abuser.
Often women confess after divorce that they think about sex with fear. A new partner is a field of exploration, on both sides. You’ll have to explain what you like and what you don’t like, learn men’s passions in bed. All in all, you have to go through a sexual adjustment. And that’s scary. What if he doesn’t like it? What if I don’t like it? Open up the world of other men again and get another disappointment? Some divorced women are embarrassed to even undress in front of their chosen one.
Yes, to enter uncharted territory scary. But if the new man chose you and it came to sex, then he was okay with it. Otherwise, your acquaintance would not have continued. In addition, members of the stronger sex in excitement do not try to critically examine the female appearance. There has never been a case where a man, after undressing his date, exclaimed: “What is that, cellulite? Abdominal folds? Well no!”
Nevertheless, and for cases of sex with a partner other than your ex-husband, there are five recommendations.
1. Calculate the consequences.
Do not rush right after a divorce to fall into the arms of another man. First, spend at least a couple of meetings without sex, make sure that your acquaintance is trustworthy and generally your body. And, of course, make your mantra the rule of three “no’s”: don’t get drunk, don’t seek adventure on your heel, and don’t have sex with strangers. You might want to go on a bender, but calculate the consequences beforehand. It is easy to cause damage to your health, and sometimes life, by rash actions. Especially since you are very, very vulnerable after a divorce.
2. Take a break – it’s okay.
If you do not want to have sex – it’s normal. Especially in cases of a rather painful divorce with a lot of litigation. No one will judge you if you spend some time away from the sphere of “amorous entanglements. Give yourself time to recover, normalize your health – and then you can go into battle. During this period, you may have to cry, drink wine with your girlfriends, sharing their pain. In severe cases, be sure to seek help from a therapist. When you finally rebuild your inner state, harmony will return to your life, you yourself will realize that this is it – the moment for sex.
3. Choose only free men
Do not throw yourself on the first encounter, check the man for a stamp in your passport and marital status. Married men don’t mind having a mistress, but why do you need these potential problems? You run the risk of plunging into a new relationship with his head and fall in love.
But statistics show that married men are in no hurry to leave their wives. So in this case, it’s not a level playing field. The married man gets to enjoy himself to the fullest, and you get another stressful experience. Look to the available bachelors or the divorced.
4. The new partner has to be better than the ex.
After your divorce, look for a partner who is better than your ex. Or dramatically different from him. And, this “better” can refer to both appearance and standard of living. Your ex-husband has an old Golf? So let the new boyfriend own a BMW of the latest model. Husband didn’t like fitness centers? Choose an athletically built man. And, of course, the new partner should show you more attention and care than the spouse left in the past. Do not settle for what you already had.
5. Your divorce story is yours alone.
Sharing your sad divorce story with a new man is completely unnecessary. Especially if you are not considering him for a long-term serious relationship. You are free to do a brief retelling of your past without going into detail. Remember the old standard phrase often used in divorce proceedings? “We didn’t get along,” is enough of an explanation. When you realize that you are ready to not only have sex with someone, but also to build a relationship with them, you can gradually open up more and more information.